


Triangulum Entangulum

by Anonymous



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Anal Sex, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Birth, Blood, Blow Jobs, Body Horror, Bottom Bill Cipher, Demon Deals, Dream Sex, Eye Trauma, Ford is Clueless About Sex, Human Bill Cipher, Lust, M/M, Manipulation, Moaning, Mpreg, Porn With Plot, Possession, Restraints, Riding, Slime, Sloppy Makeouts, Spoilers - Journal 3, Top Bill Cipher, Torture, Weird Biology, grappling hook-related injuries
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-05-23 02:15:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6101437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bill decides that he wants Ford's body, and not in the way Ford expects. Takes place at some point before Weirdmageddon starts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Ford woke up surrounded by a field of gently flowing grass. Well, not woke up. He was asleep after all, and this was just his dreamscape. Ford groaned and pulled his turtleneck up over his face. The last time he was here, that fucking triangle had joined him. And he was apparently here again, as a 2-dimensional little hand was already pulling the sweater down from Ford’s face.  
“What do you want, you isosceles menace?” said ford, groaning again as he fixed his glasses.  
Bill’s eye turned down in an exaggerated fashion.  
“I’m hurt, Fordsy,” he said,” You know I’m a perfect equilateral.”  
Ford rolled his eyes, but kept his retort to himself. Bill circled around him playfully, winking at ford. Or was it blinking? Ford didn’t know or care.  
“I’ve decided a change in our relationship is in order, sixer,” said Bill.  
Ford arched an eyebrow, but said nothing. Bill’s eye was half lidded. It almost looked like he was trying to be seductive.  
“You know those kids you like so much?” said Bill.  
Ford’s eyes widened a bit, but he quickly cooled himself and stared down the demon.  
“What about them,” he growled.  
Bill laughed.  
“Well,” he said, “I’ve decided that if we come to a certain… arrangement…”  
Ford didn’t like the way Bill said that last word. It reminded him of how uncomfortable his brother’s incessant flirting had made him back in high school. Bill propped Ford’s head up with his index finger.  
“Well, I supposed I could leave them alone,” he said. “I’d even put them under my protection.”  
Ford glared at Bill.  
“You know I can’t trust you,” he said.  
Bill smiled. Well, his eye did.  
“I would shake on it. You know I can’t break a promise that I’ve shook on, right,” he said.  
Ford still wasn’t budging, so Bill changed tactics a little.  
“Of course, if you don’t make this deal with me,” he said, his eye turning red and his voice deepening, “I’ll be forced to do some… rather unsavory things to those kiddos.”  
Ford’s glare intensified even more, his thick eyebrows nearly blocking his vision. He stuck out his hand. He had to do this, but he didn’t have to be happy about it. Bill’s eye returned to normal, and he took the man’s hand in his, igniting both hands in a blue fire as they shook.  
“That’s a good Fordsy,” he said. “You know,” continued, “You didn’t ask me what I wanted.”  
Ford’s face could only be described as a look of pure “oh shit.”  
“Oh, sixer,” said Bill, “Don’t give me that look. I only want your body. Just for a night. Oh, and not in the way you think I mean.”  
Ford crinkled his brow.  
“What else would you mean?” he said.  
Bill rolled his eye.  
“I’m talking about sex, Stanford,” he said. “You know, mating?”  
Ford froze up on the outside, but his mind was all over the place. In all honesty, he had always found bill kind of attractive, and this would be a chance to study the mating habits of demons, but… Would he still be a triangle? Did he even have genitalia? How would that even work? When he finally spoke, just one sentence came out.  
“It’s a tentacle, isn’t it?”  
Bill didn’t speak. He just closed his eye and floated there. One of the bricks on his lower body slid open, revealing a new brick, this time covered in dozens of sharp, triangular spikes. There was an eye in the middle of the triangles, staring at Ford as though it were pleased. Ford jerked back and made a sound akin to a duck attempting to mate with a toaster. Bill laughed.  
“I know, Fordsy, I know,” he said, “You would just get impaled on my true genitalia. Let me just… slip into something a little more comfortable.”  
Bill erupted into a pillar of light, and the dreamscape was hit with a gust of wind so strong that Ford was knocked to the ground. As he stood back up and adjusted his coat and glasses, he saw the form that Bill had shifted into. He was humanoid, and very tall and thin. He had pale skin and blond hair that covered one of his eyes. He was wearing a suit and his usual bow tie and hat. Something about the new form irked Ford, and it showed on his grimacing face.  
“What’s wrong, Fordsy,” said Bill, “Not attractive enough for you?”  
Bill paused for a moment as if he had just remembered something.  
“Oh, wait. You haven’t figured out what inspired this form yet, have you?”  
It did look familiar, but ford couldn’t place it.  
“Come on, Sixer. How bad could it be? How bad could… I be?”  
Ford knew what inspired that form. It was the god-forsaken hipster-looking… thing from that movie Mabel forced the family to watch a few weeks ago. What that character called again?  
“He’s called the Onceler,” said Bill, as if reading Ford’s mind. “Anyway, ready to... get funkled… grunkle?”  
Ford didn’t say anything, but he was clawing his face off on the inside. Suddenly, he remembered something and smiled. Bill tilted his head in confusion.  
“You know, Bill, my brain isn’t the only head I installed a metal plate in,” he said. “My penis is demon-proof!”  
Bill, head still tilted, moved closer to Ford. He reached out and knocked on the approximate location of Ford’s little scientist. A hollow metal clang came out, just like the noise Ford’s skull made. Ford smiled. What was that demonic little shit going to do now? His face fell, however, when Bill’s smile only widened.  
“Two problems here, Sixer,” he said. “First, that is gonna be one painful boner. Second, I only need your, uh, same dimensional excreter.”  
“My what?” said Ford in confusion.  
“You know, that little hole in between your round things,” said Bill, mimicking squishing someone’s ass cheeks with his hands.  
Ford still had no idea what was going on, deepening his look or confusion. Bill sighed. He ripped off his suit in one sweep of his hands, revealing a, luckily for Ford, normal-looking humanoid body and penis.  
“Strip, turn around, and kneel,” said Bill.  
Ford did, although reluctantly. His old man butt cheeks were thrust high into the air. Ford still didn’t know what exactly Bill was going to do. He had never studied how intercourse between two males was supposed to work. Honestly, he always thought they just kind of… touched them together or something. He found out the truth soon enough, as something warm was thrust deep into his rectum.  
“Those are for shitting!” he cried out, biting his lip in pain.  
Bill laughed literally the entire time the two were having sex. Ford was really starting to wish he had some earplugs, but his metal member was much happier with this turn of events, becoming harder and harder each time Bill thrust into his butt. Ford never thought he would feel betrayed by his own dick, and he could swear the damn thing was smirking at him.  
Finally, Bill came, and Ford cried out in simultaneous pain and pleasure. It sounded like an elephant trumpeting in fear while falling off of a skyscraper.  
“What the fuck is your seed made of!?” he said. “Acid!?”  
Bill laughed again.  
“No, Fordsy,” he said. “It’s made of tiny triangles. I thought that would be obvious.”  
Ford winced in pain. His head was feeling kind of weird. Maybe he would wake up soon?  
“It looks like you’re going to wake up soon,” said Bill. “One last thing, though. If you though SMALL triangles going IN were painful, wait until you give birth to my spawn!”  
Ford didn’t sleep well that night.


	2. Unexpected Changes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After "the incident" as Ford has dubbed it, Ford notices a very irritating change.

Bill had shown up in Ford’s dreamscape every night since “the incident,” as Ford had dubbed it. The first night, Ford asked him about the… thing inside him. How is this possible? What organ is this thing even located in? How long until I birth it? HOW will I birth it? How did I get pregnant while from dream sex? Bill answered every question with a vague answer. At least Ford hadn’t started… showing… yet, but it had only been a week.  
Ford had noticed one change, though. He was turned on constantly, now. It wouldn’t be so bad either if it weren’t for that fucking triangle being the focus of it. Ford would just be sitting there, working on some equations, and his mind would start to wander to images he would very much like to unsee. The most recent one was of Bill in his usual triangle form laying on a rug, balanced on a point, one arm propping him up. His eye was half-lidded with desire, and Ford couldn’t help but hear sensual saxophone music playing when he thought about it. Every time Ford had the thoughts, which was way more than is healthy for a man of his age, his penis just shot up as fast as the flames on his brother’s grill when he tried to cook hot dogs. This had to be something to do with the pregnancy. Ford knew he shouldn’t let himself be consumed by the fantasies, but it was just too much for him. He wanted to stick his D in the demon.  
Ford was sitting on the living room floor with a laptop, shoved up against a wall so the other members of the household couldn’t see what he was looking at. He couldn’t be alone anymore. He had already had to vaporize the metal plate in his penis because he couldn’t stand it anymore, and he literally could not stop jerking it if left alone. He just hoped the others couldn’t tell how turned on he was.   
Ford had to find some way to seduce Bill. He couldn’t risk making a deal for sex, although he knew that little shit would happily do it. He had started his search with porn. Apparently, pizza delivery men, plumbers, and pool boys were the most seductive things alive. Unfortunately for Ford, he didn’t think he could pull that off. Either way, he doubted demons even found the same things seductive as humans did. But what would a triangular demon find appealing?  
While Ford was contemplating that, Mabel and Stan were glancing at each other with concern. Mabel wrote a note and passed it to Stan. It was covered in glitter and sealed with a sticker of a terrified cartoon walrus. Stan flipped it open. “What’s wrong with Grunkle Ford? Why is he all red and breathing like that?” Stan looked conflicted for a moment before sighing. He guided Mable into the other room.  
“Look, kid,” he said, “I’ve always suspected it, but I’m pretty sure my brother is into math. Like INTO into math.”  
Mabel looked concerned for a moment before a look of understanding came over her face.  
“Oooh, so that’s why he likes sudoku so much!” she said. “Now I know what to get him for Valentine’s Day!”  
Stan looked incredibly relieved that he didn’t have to say anything else on the subject. Looking at those puzzles made him feel dirty.  
Ford was still searching desperately for a way to seduce Bill. None of the geometry-themed pick-up lines he could think of were good enough. I want to bisect your angle? Really? He would have to think of something else, and fast. Stan kept giving him very judgmental looks, and Ford was sure that he could see right through him. He knew he wanted to fuck a triangle, and he was judging him hard for it. Wait. He had leverage. If he could find a way to neutralize whatever demon spawn was growing inside of him, or at least make Bill THINK he had, he could get all the sex he wanted. He just hoped it wouldn’t be that horrible humanoid form again. He would take anything at this point, though. He just needed to be inside of Bill.

Bill was waiting for him in the dreamscape once again that night. Ford was confident in his abilities. After all, he was letting his other head do the thinking for once. Bill looked confused. Was he that obvious? Oh. Well, it looked like his penis was already ready for some steamy triangular action.  
“Is that another pen in your pants, Fordsy,” he asked, “Or are you just happy to see me? A little TOO happy?”  
That last line sounded very suspicious. Shit. Ford hoped like hell that he wasn’t on to his plan.  
“So, you seemed pretty interested in getting that… thing… inside of me, right?”  
Bill looked... amused?  
“Oh, don’t take it the wrong way or anything, Sixer,” he said. “but I only needed your body. Humans are pretty gross, you know. They’re so squishy and full of fluids.”  
Ford didn’t let himself be discouraged.  
“I didn’t mean that part,” he said. “I meant that you really want your spawn to be birthed, right?”  
Bill narrowed his eye. It seemed he was catching Ford’s drift.  
“I do have some… uses for it, yes,” he said.  
Ford smirked. It was time for his trump card. He just hoped Bill would be able to take him seriously with his boner sticking out and his face red like a schoolgirl talking to her crush.  
“Well, Bill,” he said, “I may have found a way to… do away with it. Your spawn, I mean.”  
Bill’s eye glared red for just a moment before regaining its cool. Ford had struck a nerve.  
“What do you want, Sixer,” said Bill. “I can make a deal with you.”  
Ford licked his lips.  
“I want…” he began, “to bisect your angle.”  
Shit. That sounded so much worse coming out of his mouth. Bill just looked confused.  
“Sixer, I regenerate,” he said. “but if that’s what you want, that’s cool I guess.”  
Ford smacked his palm onto his face.  
“No, Bill,” he said, face reddening by the second, “I want your ass.”  
Bill still looked confused. He was mocking him, wasn’t he?  
“Fine,” said Ford, “I want to have sex with you again. I want to… to put my dick in you.”  
Bill still looked confused. How much more specific did he want Ford to get?  
“Where would you put it, Fordsy? I’m not letting you stick it in my eye. I put FOOD in that. And you know I don’t have one of… those, right?”  
He floated over to Ford, stuck his hand down his pants, and stuck a finger up Ford’s ass. Ford jumped, and a noise similar to a cat having sex escaped his lips. After regaining his composure, he sighed. Bill would have to be in THAT form again. Damn, he hated that form.  
“You’ll have to take THAT form again,” said Ford with palpable disgust in his voice.  
Bill pretended to consider the subject before reaching out a flaming hand.  
“Deal,” he said.  
Ford’s dick twitched in approval.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have at least a few more chapters planned, so be prepared!


	3. Another Deal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ford makes another deal with Bill, but at what cost?

Ford had to physically stop himself from grabbing Bill’s hand. He had to think about this. Was this deal safe? Screw it, he didn’t care. He needed Bill. He did want to at least add a few extra conditions, though.  
“Mind if I add a few special conditions on your end?” said Ford.  
Bill sighed, his eye-lids acting as a mouth and making Ford mildly uncomfortable.  
“Sure, Sixer,” he said, “I do need to keep my spawn safe, after all.”  
Ford thought for a few moments, his face making all kinds of uncomfortably sexual expressions. He hated that form, but knowing it was Bill made it ok, somehow. He wanted to hear Bill cry out in pleasure and really WANT him like he wanted Bill.  
“You will be enthusiastic about this and show it,” said Ford, face reddening. “You will want me, sexually. For real. Not just pretending. I know your deals can do that.”  
Bill sighed again and stuck out his hand, reigniting the flame.  
“Deal,” he said.

Bill was in that humanoid form, again. And as much as Ford hated looking at that stupid face, his gaze was drawn to it. Bill was… blushing? Did the deal work? Ford hadn’t been entirely sure if a deal could really change Bill’s own thoughts, but maybe it could? Ford felt a tinge of guilt at basically brainwashing someone for sex before remembering that this was Bill. A demon. Who had fucked him over. And who he was very much about to fuck.  
“Mmmm, Fordsy,” Bill began, his voice oddly husky, “I never noticed how symmetrical you were before!”  
Well, that definitely sounded genuine, unless Bill was messing with him somehow. Ford was about to disrobe the both of them when Bill snapped his fingers. Both of their clothes went up in flames, disintegrating. Ford felt a surge of panic at the loss of his favorite coat before remembering that they were in the dreamscape. He eyed Bill, whose dick was incredibly hard.  
“God, Bill,” he said, “I bet that baby would be an 11 on the Mohs hardness scale!”  
When Bill didn’t react, Ford began to bounce nervously and look at the ground. Of course a demon wouldn’t understand earth geology. Suddenly, something grabbed his chin. Bill forced Ford’s face up to his own and stared at him hungrily. Ford stared back. Bill took Ford’s mouth in his own in a frenzied kiss, biting sharply down on his lower lip. Ford bit back, earning an appreciative moan from Bill. Bill shoved his tongue inside Ford’s mouth. It was much longer than any tongue had a right to be, and for some reason this turned Ford on even more than he already was. After a make-out session on par with the ones Ford assumed horny teenagers had, Bill pulled away.  
“Man, these mouth tentacles sure are fun, huh?” he said. “And those pointy things are great! I mean it’s nothing compared to how we demon’s kiss, but it’s better than I would have expected from these flesh sacks!”  
Ford tried to imagine how demons would kiss. It made his eyes feel uncomfortable.  
“Well, Fordsy,” said bill, who had apparently gotten on his hands and knees while Ford was distracted, “Gonna stick your flesh piston in me or what?”  
Ford was too turned on to really care about Bill’s strange terms for human anatomy. He especially liked the sight of Bill in that position. Bill was even drooling a bit, and seemed to be panting. Ford moved closer, investigating the waiting anus. It didn’t have teeth or something, did it? Ah, well, he could afford to lose his dick if it was just in a dream. As Ford made his approach, he noticed a mark on Bill’s left ass cheek. It was a six-fingered hand. He had apparently added it to this form just for this occasion. Ford almost wanted to use some kind of lubricant to make the experience more pleasurable for Bill, but it’s not like the little shit had done the courtesy for him.

Ford grabbed Bill’s waist with both hands, and Bill quickly moved his ass to meet Ford’s dick. Ford couldn’t take it anymore, and he plunged in. Hard. A high pitched moan escaped Bill’s lips. That’s right. The demon liked pain, didn’t he. Ford thrust even harder, fully impaling Bill on his cock. Bill let out a cry of pleasure.  
“YSDROF REDRAH, REDRAH!” moaned Bill.  
Ford couldn’t understand Bill’s backwards speech, but he could tell it was urging him to keep going. He began to move faster, and Bill began to pant and thrust himself backwards onto Ford. Bill suddenly pulled away.  
“Sit down, Sixer,” he said breathlessly, a chair appearing behind Ford. Ford obeyed wordlessly, although he wondered what Bill was going to do. He let out a soft gasp when Bill began to impale himself, riding Ford hard. Both Ford and Bill were very close now, and it showed in the symphony of moans they were making. The both came, Bill’s horribly pointy seed thankfully hitting his own chest rather than Ford. Ford lay down in the grass, catching his breath. He felt amazing, and that unbearable lust was gone at last. He glanced up to see what Bill was doing. He didn’t like what he saw. Bill was already back in his triangle form, and he looked… smug. Ford had a sinking feeling in his chest. That wasn’t just his post-sex face, was it?  
“Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, Sixer,” said Bill, ending his sentence with a quick laugh. “You really never change.”  
Ford crooked an eyebrow.  
“What do you mean?” he said.  
Bill laughed again, his voice deepening a bit.  
“You never have thought things through, have you?” said Bill. “You really bought that act!”  
Ford’s pupils contracted. That was an act? Bill had ridden him like a porn star, for God’s sake! More importantly, if that was an act… what was Bill’s motive?  
“I do admit, Fordsy,” said Bill, “Pain is a nice experience, don’t get me wrong, but your human sex acts are just outright bizarre!”  
Bill was laughing in between his words, and Ford narrowed his eyes in anger.  
“And did you really believe…” said Bill, pausing to laugh some more, “That my deals could change my thoughts?”  
Bill’s voice deepened again.  
“Well, they can’t, Sixer.”  
Ford was panicking, and he was very uncomfortable taking in this information while still completely naked. What could Bill’s motive possibly be? He had already impregnated Ford. What else could he want?  
“You see, when a demon gets a human to initiate sex, it basically forms a deal in itself.”  
Ford swallowed hard.  
“And what is this secret deal, then?” he said, voice raising.  
Bill laughed for a solid thirty seconds.  
“I get to possess you for a whooole day!” he said cheerily.  
Ford didn’t skip a beat, smirking and adjusting his glasses.  
“My head’s demon-proof, remember?” he said. “I guess you can’t fulfill your ‘deal’”  
Bill didn’t seem phased.  
“Oh, right, that metal plate in your head,” he said. “Now, what did that thing sound like again?”  
Bill floated over to Ford, reached out a hand, and tapped twice. It mad exactly the sound you would expect the average human skull to make when tapped. Ford jerked back.  
“You know, Sixer,” said Bill, eye narrowing, “You really should have checked the radius on that metal vaporizing gun of yours.”  
Ford bit his lip. How could he have been so stupid!? He looked down at his penis as if to say “this is all your fault.”  
Bill started to float away, waving at ford as he left.  
“I’ve got things to do and people to spy on,” he said. “I’ll see you at eight am. Well, I guess you’ll see ‘you’ at eight am.”  
Ford just kept glaring at his penis.


	4. Spicy Possession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill has taken control of Ford's body, but what is he going to do with it?

Ford didn’t sleep well. He just stared at the clock, trying not to think of anything. The glow was etched into his eyeballs at this point. It was 7:59 now, and the minute seemed to last an hour. What was Bill going to do with his body? Ford was sure he was going to look for the rift, but it was hidden well. Ford had snuck into Stan’s room and snuck the thing into the back of his brother’s “special” drawer. He doubted Bill would keep looking in there after seeing what else was in that drawer. What if he hurt his family, though? He shuddered at the thought. 8:00 rolled around and Ford felt a horrible chill travel through him. He was staring at his own body now, and Bill turned to look at him with those familiar yellow eyes. Well, at least Ford could follow him around and see what he was up to.  
The first thing Bill did was grab Ford’s sunglasses off of a table and put them on. Well, there went any hope that someone would recognize the possessed eyes. Bill walked up the stairs and into the shack, although not without bumping his head on things and laughing about it first. Luckily, no one else was up at this time. Ford always had been an early riser. As Bill entered the kitchen, he turned to Ford.  
“Where are the knives,” he said bluntly.  
“I’m not telling you that!” said Ford, whose concern was increasing every second.  
Bill shrugged and started yanking drawers out, their contents clattering to the floor. Eventually, he found a sharp knife. He placed it on the counter and started raiding the fridge. What did Bill want with the fridge? Bill rustled through the contents of the fridge until he found what he was looking for. A jalapeño pepper? Bill clumsily sliced up the pepper, and Ford probably would have had a heart attack if he were still in his body from the amount of times that the knife came dangerously close to chopping off one of his body’s fingers. Bill picked up a pepper slice and stuck it in his eye. Ford cringed hard. If that triangle ruined what little vision he had, he was going to be pissed. Bill just started laughing.  
“Oh, man, these things are great!” he said. They hurt so much! And your vision is all weird now!”  
Luckily, Bill stopped talking before Dipper wandered into the kitchen.  
“Hey, Great Uncle Ford,” he said. “We still on for some D, D, and more D today?”  
Bill turned and eyed Dipper for a moment before breaking into a smile.  
“Well, kiddo,” he began, “As much as I would like to play games today, I have some important experiments to do.”  
Dipper’s face dropped. Bill brought his hand up to his face and stroked his chin as if deep in thought.  
“Well, I suppose I could let you help me out with them,” he said.  
“Really?” said Dipper, smiling again, “That sounds great!”  
Ford really didn’t like where this was going. Dipper crooked an eyebrow up.  
“Uh, Grunkle Ford?” he said, “Why are you wearing sunglasses in the house?”  
Heh, Bill didn’t think of that, did he?  
“Oh, right!” said Bill, “I guess this must look really weird. I had an optometrist appointment today, and you know how those guys are!”  
Dipper nodded in agreement. He hated going to the optometrist. He could never bring himself to keep his eyes open for the dilation drops, and the assistants were always treating him like a little kid because of it.

Bill grabbed the remaining pepper slices and the knife and brought them downstairs with him. Dipper followed close behind him. Shit. Ford glanced around. Stan and Mabel were still sleeping, and Soos and Wendy wouldn’t be in until later. He could only watch and hope that Dipper would catch on and run.  
“Oh, kid, I need you to sit in that chair over there,” said Bill.  
“The one with all the restraints?” replied Dipper.  
“That’s the one!  
Dipper hopped right over to the chair and sat down.  
“This is going to seem a bit weird,” said Bill, “But I need to strap you in for the experiment,”  
Dipper nodded, although he did look a bit nervous.  
“Now, I’ve figured out a way to defeat Bill,” said Bill.  
“Really?” said Dipper “That’s great!”  
“Yup, his only weakness is for someone to stick jalapeño peppers in their eyes.”  
Ford gaped in disbelief.  
“Seriously, Bill,” he said, “You’re really that childish?”  
Bill ignored him in favor of watching Dipper become more and more uncomfortable in his chair.  
“That uh…” said Dipper, “That doesn’t really make any sense. Are you sure?”  
“Positive,” said Bill. “I would do it, but… you know”  
He pointed to his sunglasses, and dipper nodded in solemn agreement. Ford smacked his see-through hand into his see-through face. They were both idiots.

Dipper was sweating profusely now. He had to do this. This would save the world. But… he just couldn’t put things in his eyes. And even if he could… he knew he would scream. And it would be a girly scream. He couldn’t let the author of the journals see him like that. Ford was advancing with a tray of pepper slices. He had to think of some way out of this.  
“G-Grunkle Ford, I r-really want to help out, but does it have to be me?” he said.  
Ford just kept moving forward.  
“I was afraid you might say that, Dipper,” he said. “But this is the only way to stop Bill. Why do you think I put you in those restraints?”  
Dipper squirmed around trying to undo the restraints, but it was no use. His tween boy noodle arms had failed him once again. He squeezed his eyes shut. He heard the sound of the tray being set down. What was Ford doing?  
“You know, Dipper,” Ford said, “The eyelids are, uh, permeable.”  
Something cold and wet pressed against both of Dipper’s eyelids. There was a mild burning sensation. Just enough to make Dipper’s eyes water.  
“Oh, that’s not so bad, actually,” said Dipper, “This is really enough to stop Bi- AAAAAHHHH”  
Aaand the burning had kicked in. There it was. Dipper couldn’t tell how loud he was screaming or for how long, but he knew it sounded incredibly girly.

Ford squinted his eyes in disgust as he watched the scene. He really was surrounded by idiots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the peppers are a reference to the AMA.


	5. Mabelcakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill, still possessing Ford's body, joins Stan and Mabel for breakfast.

Dipper passed out shortly after the pepper slices were removed from his eyelids. Bill gagged him with a rag he found lying around in the corner. Ford’s tongue felt uncomfortable thinking about the many unpleasant things that could be on that rag. Bill smiled and pivoted on his toes to face the stairs. He walked upstairs and swung the door open dramatically. Ford could hear people talking now. It was Stan and Mabel, who were no doubt having breakfast now. Ford really shouldn’t have installed those sound-proof panels in the basement. He still had no idea how Dipper’s screams hadn’t managed to carry all the way to the kitchen. That kid had one hell of a scream.

Bill moved into the kitchen and was greeted by a very excited Mabel.  
“Grunkle Ford!” she said, “Did you want to join us for breakfast for once?”  
Bill gave a thumbs up, and Mabel smiled and jumped into the air. She turned to the table, where Stan was sitting and looking confusedly at Bill.  
“How many Mabelcakes do you want today, Grunkle Stan?” she asked.  
Stan motioned his coffee mug toward Bill.  
“Before I answer Mabel,” he said, “Why are you wearing shades in the house?”  
Before Bill could answer, Mabel cut him off.  
“It obviously has something to do with one of his secret basement things,” she said. “Now, quit dodging the question so I can get these babies cooking!”  
Stan sighed and held up 2 fingers. He was obviously only eating whatever these Mabel cakes were to make Mabel happy, but she apparently hadn’t noticed.  
“Good,” said Mabel, turning to face Bill. “You’ll try some, won’t you Grunkle Ford? They’re really good!”  
Bill pretended to contemplate the question before answering.  
“I did already eat breakfast,” he said, “but I could help you out in the kitchen if you don’t mind.”  
Mabel made along, exaggerated hmmm sound before answering.  
“Well, I don’t usually let people in on the secrets of Mabelcakes, but I suppose I could make an exception just this once,” she said.  
She turned to Stan.  
“But you still need to keep your face in your newspaper, mister,” she said.  
Stan pulled the newspaper over his face, and Mabel skipped over to the stove. She had already gathered her ingredients on the counter. The usual pancake ingredients were there, along with a plethora of different candies. Ford could see why his brother wasn’t exactly excited about eating this stuff. Mabel directed Bill to stir the batter together while she picked out some candy. Bill kept “Accidentally” touching the stove, smiling, and giggling a bit. Mabel didn’t notice.  
Stan made a noise of discomfort.  
“I’m gonna flip the paper over to the other side, Mabel.”  
Mabel made a noise of disgruntled agreement, and Stan quickly flipped his paper over. Mabel giggled at the paper, although Ford couldn’t figure out why. What was so funny about the Sudoku page? Mabel waggled her eyebrows up and down at Bill and giggled again before getting back to work. Ford was very concerned now.

Mabel stood up on her tiptoes to whisper something to Bill.  
“Anything special you think I should put in Grunkle Stan’s batch?” she asked.  
Bill smiled and whispered something back.  
“My brother looks a bit down today, doesn’t he?” he said.  
Mabel shrugged and nodded a bit.  
“You know what would really cheer him up?” Bill continued.  
Mabel leaned in closer and Bill whispered something that Ford couldn’t quite make out.  
“You sure?” she said, a bit louder.  
“Of course,” said Bill.  
Mabel ran upstairs. After some rustling noises, she came back with a few small packets. The packaging read “Smile Dip.” Oh, so it was just more candy. Why would Bill know anything about candy, though? How could that be of use to a demon? The Mabelcakes were soon done, with only Stan’s portion containing the mysterious candy. Stan scarfed the things down, although Ford couldn’t tell if it was because he liked them or because he wanted to get it over with. Bill sat next to Mabel, seeming uncomfortably focused on Stan. Stan seemed normal at first, trying to pitch some new scheme for the shack to Mabel and Bill. Then things got a bit weirder.  
“Ford, I need to ask you something,” said Stan.  
“Sure thing… brother,” said Bill.  
Stan cleared his throat and looked down a bit in embarrassment.  
“Why are platypuses so sexy?” he said.  
What? What the hell was in that candy? At least, Ford hoped this was the candy.  
“Like, they have duck bills,” continued Stan, “and beaver tails. Those aren’t sexy. So why is it?”  
Bill just laughed in amusement. Before Stan could ask any more of these odd questions, his eyes glazed over a bit. He started blushing and shooing away some something. A… sexy platypus, probably.  
“Oh, Mr. Sassy,” Stan said, “You know you have to stay here in Vegas.”  
He giggled a bit.  
“Don’t put your foot there, that’s ticklish!”  
Stan’s eyes got wide, and he made a sound that was a weird combination of a moan and a bicycle horn being stepped on.  
“Mr. Sassy, no!” he said.  
Ford turned to look at Mabel, but she didn’t seem concerned.  
“You can see why they banned this stuff, huh?” she said, giggling a bit.  
Bill nodded.  
“I guess I better walk my brother here over to his room so he can do whatever this is without hurting himself, huh?” he said.  
Mabel nodded in agreement, and Bill began to walk Stan over to his room. Once he was out of Mabel’s line of sight, he started pulling him by the ear to get him to move faster.  
“S-stop that,” said Stan, “You know my ears are sensitive! Wait until we’re home from the aquarium!”  
Bill led Stan into his room, got him into a sitting position on the floor, and walked out. He closed the door behind him. What was Bill even trying to do? He was wasting time that could be spent looking for the rift on this childish nonsense. Ford’s thoughts were interrupted by Soos and Wendy arriving for work. Bill turned to Ford and smiled.  
“You really don’t get it, huh?” he said, “Well you will soon enough, Fordsy. You will soon enough.”  
Bill laughed, winked at Ford, and blew him a kiss. Ford felt very uncomfortable at seeing his own body mockingly flirting with him. As Bill left, Ford cursed himself for not being better at figuring out the motives of triangles.


	6. A Wild Ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill goes out on the town.

Bill sauntered over to the store area of the shack, where Soos and Wendy had just arrived. Wendy was already behind the counter, lounging in a chair and tapping away at her phone. Soos was rearranging a display of hats. They both perked up at the sound of Bill’s approaching footsteps.  
“Wow, the beast has left its lair!” said Wendy. “Nah, I’m just joking. How’s it going Mr. Pines Two?”  
Bill forced a laugh at Wendy’s joke and moved over to lean on the counter.  
“Hello, Wendy and Soos!” he said. “My brother said I can get some work done on the shack today. Would one of you like to help me run some errands?”  
Soos raised his hand.  
“I’ll go with you, sir!” he said.  
Bill got up and patted Soos on the shoulder.  
“That works for me,” he said.  
Bill turned to Wendy.  
“I only really need one person to help me for today, and Stan said I can close the shop while we’re working,” he said. “You want the day off, Wendy?”  
Wendy was hopping over the counter before Bill even finished that last sentence.  
“Thanks, man,” she said.  
She was already texting plans to her friends as she walked out the door.  
“Well, Soos,” said Bill, “Let’s get going,”  
Wait. Oh no. This meant Bill was going to use the car. Ford couldn’t follow him around. He could only float around about as fast as he could walk. Ford watched in horror as Bill and Soos hopped into the car and drove away. What kind of mischief could Bill get into with access to a car?

Soos was nervous. He had hardly seen Mr. Pines’s brother since he had shown up. He was usually down in the basement doing science stuff. When he did come up into the shack, he didn’t normally say more to Soos than a passing greeting. Soos was broken out of his thoughts by Mr. Pines saying something.  
“Sorry, what was that?” said Soos.  
“I said I’m in a bit of a hurry,” said Mr. Pines. “Here’s a list of what I need you to get from the store. I’ll come back for you later.”  
Soos glanced at the paper that Mr. Pines had shoved into his hands. He hadn’t heard of most of these things before. Refrigerator polish? Headlight fluid? Balloon oil? What even were these? Why did Mr. Pines need forty bunches of bananas? Oh, well. It looked like this was going to take a while. Soos was pushed backwards into his seat as the car sped up.  
“Uh, Mr. Pines?” he asked worriedly.  
Mr. Pines didn’t listen to him. He just kept accelerating. Soos looked at the speedometer. Oh, God. The car was going at almost 100 miles per hour now. This was bad.

Blubs and Durland were trying to relax and listen to a BABBA CD when a transmission came in on the radio. Apparently, there had been several calls about someone speeding through town and nearly hitting pedestrians. Blubs sighed.  
“Well, Durland?” he said. “What do you want to do about this?”  
Durland gave Blubs THAT look.  
“Oh, come on, Durland. Don’t give me those puppy dog eyes,” said Blubs.  
Durland didn’t change his expression. Blubs sighed again, softer this time.  
“All right, we can go get donuts first.”  
Durland smiled and gave his partner a hug. He just didn’t feel right if the two of them didn’t go get donuts for lunch each day. Plus, he didn’t know how the people of Gravity Falls would take it if the two of them didn’t show up at the donut shop. What kind of police officers didn’t get donuts every day? Not good ones, that was for sure.

Soos sat down outside the hardware store, trying to calm down from the car ride over. He didn’t know when Mr. Pines would be back, but he knew it would take quite a while to get all the things he asked for. Honestly, he kind of hoped he would forget to come pick him up. Walking back with all the items honestly sounded a lot better than getting back into that car again.

Bill enjoyed driving. It was a different sensation from anything in his old dimension. Being grounded by gravity sucked, though, and having to experience everything through Ford’s flesh sack was just weird. The two eyes and feeling pain were pretty cool, but aside from that it was a novelty at best. Bill laughed a bit as he almost hit yet another citizen of the pitiful town. Unfortunately, he couldn’t afford to actually hit anything. He needed Ford alive. After all, what kind of victory would taking over this world be if Ford wasn’t there to gloat to? Maybe he could even keep him in a little cage as a pet or something.

Wait a second. One of those car-dodging pedestrians looked familiar. Oh. OH. It was HIM. Bill turned the wheel sharply and hit the brakes, parking the car just slightly up on the curb. He opened the glove compartment of the car and quickly snuck one of the things inside into Ford’s pocket. He hopped out, struggling to keep his balance upon landing. Bill whipped his head around to make sure no one had seen that embarrassing display. Good. No one had. Bill couldn’t let on how difficult piloting a flesh sack around was for him. Ugh. Gravity. He straightened up the body’s back, moved the arms into a more angular position, and moved toward the downed human. The human shifted, and his eyes widened. He scrambled to his feet.  
“S-Stanford? Stanford Pines?” said Fiddleford McGucket. “That really you?”  
Bill moved forward, smiling just a bit too wide. Now that he had regained his memories, Fiddleford would have to be… subdued. How would Ford go about this?  
“Fiddleford!” said Bill, “How I’ve missed you, old friend!”  
Fiddleford didn’t say anything. Bill looked off to the side and tried his best to look ashamed.  
“I-I’m sorry, Fiddleford. I, uh, I don’t really know what else I can say.”  
Hopefully that sounded genuine enough. Apparently it did, as Fiddleford was hugging him now. Humans were always far too quick to forgive. Fiddleford stroked his beard a bit before straightening up as if he had just remembered something.  
“You, want to come see where I’ve been livin’, Stanford?” Fiddleford asked.  
Bill nodded. Fiddleford started moving and Bill followed. So this was the heap of junk that Fiddleford called home now. Served him right. …Something was pressing into Bill’s flesh. It was a knife. Shit.  
“Take off the sunglasses, ‘Stanford’,” said Fiddleford, voice shaking a bit.  
Well, there went plan A. Time for plan B, then. Bill swept his foot forward, surprising Fiddleford and knocking him to the ground. Bill laughed a bit as the knife lightly grazed Ford’s chest. He swiftly kicked the knife out of Fiddleford’s hand and placed a foot on his chest, trapping him on the ground.  
“I-I knew it!” Said Fiddleford, “Stanford would show me his eyes before I even asked if he really wanted to make up with me!”  
Bill laughed.  
“Well, I don’t need you to trust me for this, Fiddleford,” he said. “I just need this.”  
Bill reached into Ford’s coat and pulled out the item he had swiped from the car earlier.  
“Fuzzy handcuffs?” said Fiddleford, fear being replaced by confusion, “Stanford really has changed. I’m uh… I’m not sure that I like where this is going.”  
Bill scoffed. These obviously belonged to Stanley, but he didn’t really care what Sixer’s old friend thought. He pulled Fiddleford up and roughly swung him up against a pole. He pulled Fiddleford’s arms behind him and clasped the handcuffs around his wrists.  
“These are kinda strong for… these,” said Fiddleford, testing the strength of his restraints.  
Bill just laughed as he walked away. He stopped for a moment when Fiddleford uttered something under his breath.  
“Oh, sweet flying honey buns, thank God!” said Fiddleford, “I was certain things were going to get sexual there.”  
Bill frowned.  
“What is it with you flesh sacks and thinking I want to mate with you?” he said. “I’d rather be with one of those square demons! Hell, even Kryptos is better than a human! And he licked a sponge the other day! A sponge!”  
He shook his head as he walked back to the car. He could hear muttered whispers about a “raccoon wife” coming to the rescue as he left.


	7. Back in the Shack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bill returns from his errands.

Ford was slumped over near the front door. He had tried his best to figure out a way to free Dipper or get Mabel’s attention, but nothing worked. Stan was still high on smile dip, too, so he was out of the picture. All he could do now was stare absentmindedly at the floor and wait for Bill to come back. IF he was coming back. Ford hated not being able to do anything. He couldn’t even work on a puzzle in this form. What was up with Stan and Sudoku, anyway? Ford perked up at the sound of a car speeding towards the shack. He peeked out the window. That was Stan’s car, all right. God, Bill was not a good driver. He nearly crashed the car into the shack while trying to park it. Then again, he doubted demons had much use for cars in their world. Bill kicked the door open and walked into the shack. Soos wasn’t with him.  
“What happened to Soos?” said Ford, hoping he didn’t get killed by Bill’s driving or something.  
Bill smirked.  
“Oh, I just sent him off to find some stuff for me,” said Bill. “I can’t wait to see how long he takes before he gives up!”  
Ford groaned. Bill was up to more childish nonsense, apparently.  
“I also ran into your old friend Fiddleford, but I’m afraid he’s all tied up at the moment.”  
Bill laughed at this own joke, and Ford rolled his eyes.

Bill’s laughing was cut short when he and Ford heard footsteps coming down the stairs. It was Mabel, holding a small glittery box. She smiled when she saw Bill, running up to him.  
“Grunkle Ford! I was just coming to find you!” she said. “I have something for you! Here!”  
She practically shoved the box into Bill’s hands. He slowly opened it and pulled back the colorful tissue paper inside to reveal a mug. It had a cutesy rendition of Ford’s face painted onto it, along with his name. Ford felt a little flutter in his chest.  
“I already gave one to everyone else,” said Mabel, “and I thought since you’re part of the family again you should have one too!”  
Bill’s expression didn’t change. He just stood there holding the box.  
“You do like it, don’t you?” said Mabel, shifting around nervously.  
Bill stared at the box for a few more seconds before raising it up into the air and flipping it upside down. Mabel gasped as pieces of the shattered mug flew across the room.  
“I’m only letting you kids and my brother stay here for the rest of the summer,” said Bill. “I gave up on family when my brother ruined my life.”  
Tears were starting to roll down Mabel’s cheeks.  
“Then why?” she said, “Why have you been so nice to me and Dipper? I-I thought you liked us!”  
“Convenience,” said Bill.  
Mabel bolted for the door. Ford tried to reach out to comfort her, but she only phased through him.

“What the hell was that!?” said Ford.  
Bill shrugged.  
“What? I had to get her out of the way somehow,” he said. “An opportunity presented itself.”  
Ford’s eyebrows wrinkled.  
“Get her out of the way for what?”  
Bill clutched his chest and laughed.  
“Oh, wow, you really are dense!” he said. “What do you think I’ve been doing all day?”  
Ford flung his arms out.  
“I thought you were just toying with everyone!” he said. “I mean jalapeño peppers? Really!?”  
Bill’s laughter was increasing in volume now.  
“Wow. I’ve obviously been getting everyone out of the way so I can look for that rift… IQ.”  
Ford clenched his teeth. Well, shit. That did make a lot of sense, come to think of it.

Bill was throwing things all over the place. Ford couldn’t tell if there was even a method to the chaos, but knowing Bill it could go either way. Ford felt a sense of pride at the fact that Bill hadn’t found his hiding spot yet. Bill glanced up at him.  
“What are you smirking at, IQ?”  
Ford didn’t say anything. He just crossed his arms and floated there, watching Bill. Suddenly, Bill cringed and doubled over, making a strange moaning sound. It sounded almost… sexual? Oh, God. Was that weird demon pregnancy arousal thing kicking in again? Ford didn’t think he could deal with that.  
“Oh, Fordsy,” said Bill, “I feel so… strange. I’m so… aroused! I want to be inside of you!”  
Ford blushed a little at hearing Bill talk like that. He froze up and didn’t say anything, his mind wandering back to some of the thoughts he had had for the past week. He was jolted back to reality by Bill laughing.  
“Oh, man, you really bought that!” said Bill. “You humans and your sexual desires are ridiculous! You just fell for the same act last night, you know!”  
“I’m not going to dignify that with a response, Cipher.”  
Bill shrugged, finished his laughing, and went back to his search.

“You know, Bill,” said Ford, “You’ve been searching for hours. You don’t have much time left.”  
Bill glared at him before throwing a vase at the wall, smiling at the sound of shattering glass.   
“You’re really going to regret antagonizing me if you keep it up, Sixer,” said Bill.  
Ford shrugged, but kept his smirk. Bill went back to throwing things, making way more noise than was really necessary.

A sound akin to a chicken being grabbed by the neck escaped Bill’s mouth. Ford had been looking out the window, but the noise grabbed his attention. Bill was wrapped up with a grappling hook, which had apparently been shot from behind him. Bill’s sunglasses were hanging from his ear, and his yellow possessed eyes were exposed. Mabel stepped out from behind Bill and turned to face him. Her eyes were still red and puffy from crying.  
“I may have believed it at first,” she said, “But I know Grunkle Ford wouldn’t do that, Bill!”  
Bill struggled with the rope, ignoring Mabel.  
“He may be a complete jerkface sometimes, but I know he’s a good person!”  
Bill appeared to have given up on escaping the rope. He quirked an eyebrow.  
“You really trust him that much?” he said. “You just met him.”  
Mabel blushed and looked a bit sheepish.  
“Well, ok, that’s not the only reason I came back,” she said. “I was thinking about how nice Grunkle Ford was this morning when he helped me make Mablecakes. I just couldn’t figure out why he would be so nice earlier if he was just going to be mean to me later. Then, I realized something!”  
Mabel put her hands on her hips and smiled, proud at herself for figuring this out. She leaned forward towards Bill.  
“You said I should add smile dip to Grunkle Stan’s batch. Grunkle Ford was gone for 20 years! Smile dip is only 19 years old! …Also, I don’t think Grunkle Ford even likes candy. “  
Bill sighed.  
“Well, you figured it out, Shooting Star. What do you want, a trophy?” he said. “But you also just broke Sixer’s ribs.”  
Mabel looked down at the ground.  
“Yeah, well at least I stopped you from doing… whatever evil thing you were up to! I’m sure Grunkle Ford’ll be fine!”  
Mabel seemed to be trying to convince herself with that last sentence.  
Ford was floating there, mouth agape.  
“Bill, you’re just joking about my ribs, right?”  
Bill laughed. He turned to Mabel, ignoring Ford.  
“Don’t think I won’t be back, kid. I will.”


	8. Punctured Lung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ford returns to his body, clearly in need of medical attention.

Mabel sat on the floor, staring at her great uncle’s possessed body. She didn’t know how much longer she would have to wait until Bill stopped possessing Grunkle Ford. Bill had only left dipper’s body because he passed out. Would she have to wait until her Grunkle passed out from exhaustion? Mabel really wanted to leave out of the room, but Bill might try to escape. Bill was making her really uncomfortable. He wasn’t trying to escape or anything, but he was laughing a lot. A bit of blood was dribbling out of his mouth, probably from being hit by the grappling hook. Mabel noticed that there was a cut across his chest, too. Mabel sighed. What had Grunkle Ford gotten himself into?

Around eight in the morning, Ford was finally rejoined with his body. The momentary joy at having his body back was soon replaced with excruciating pain. Bill wasn’t lying about his ribs. There was also a shallow, stinging cut on Ford’s chest. What had Bill done? Ford tried to move and escape the rope, but all he managed was a groan of pain. He heard shifting nearby and turned his head. Mabel was laying on the floor. Had she been sleeping there all night?  
“Grunkle Ford?” said Mabel, her voice heavy and tired. “You’re back!”  
She smiled weakly and got up to her knees.  
“Yeah, I’m back, Mabel.”  
Mabel hugged Ford, jerking back when he made a noise of discomfort, like a hamster being crushed in the hand of a chubby toddler.  
“Oh, God, I’m sorry!” she said. “Here, I’ll untie you.”  
Ford felt a little better with the constricting rope removed, but not much. He didn’t really feel up to moving.  
“I’m just going to… stay here for now…” said Ford.  
Mabel gently placed a hand on his shoulder.  
“We need to get you to a doctor, Grunkle Ford. You’re bleeding,” she said.  
Ford’s eyes widened.  
“N-no! No doctors!” said Ford.  
Mable just stared at him, her face filled with concern. Ford tried to soften his voice.  
“Look, I can’t see a doctor. Bill… he did something to me. I can’t…”  
Ford grimaced and tried to work up the strength to keep talking. Mabel squeezed his shoulder a bit.  
“It’s ok, I get it,” she said. “We have to do something, though…”  
She was right. Ford was struggling to breathe, and there was blood in his mouth. He was pretty sure one of his lungs was punctured. What could they do about it without a doctor, though? Wait. There was that substance he and Fiddleford had found on the spaceship. It was still in the bunker somewhere, probably undamaged.  
“My old bunker…” Ford began, “There’s a… a vial. It’s labeled rapid healing substance. Can you… get it… for me?”  
Mabel squeezed Ford’s arm again.  
“Say no more, Grunkle Ford! I’ll get it!”  
Mabel stood up to get going before remembering something and turning back to Ford.  
“Actually, say a little bit more,” she said with an apologetic smile. “Where’s Dipper?”  
Ford groaned and rolled his eyes.  
“He’s in the basement… in restraints… might need an optometrist…” said Ford, wincing.  
Mabel gave her great uncle an inquisitive look, but ford just gave her a defeated look as if to say “please don’t ask.” Mabel shrugged and skipped off to grab her brother.

Dipper groaned as he slipped back into consciousness again. The burning was still pretty bad, but he was starting to feel too weak to scream at this point. Wait. Someone was coming down the stairs. Dipper forced himself to open his eyes, wincing in pain.  
“Mabel?” he said weakly.  
Mabel ran up to hug him.  
“Dipper! Are you okay? Your eyes are all red! What did Bill do to you?”  
Dipper just stared blankly as his sister undid his restraints. That was Bill? But… the metal plate in his head should have prevented that. What did Grunkle Ford do?  
“Dipper? Seriously, what happened?”  
“Don’t ask,” said Dipper. “What about you? You look like you’ve been crying.”  
Mabel sighed.  
“I… may have shot a grappling hook at Grunkle Ford.”  
Dipper didn’t say anything, bracing himself for bad news.  
“Aaand now his ribs are broken!”  
Dipper sighed.  
“Great,” he said. “Did you get him to the hospital?”  
“Yeah, about that…” said Mabel. “He won’t go. He said Bill… did something to him.”  
What could that mean? What could Bill possibly do that Ford didn’t want doctors to see? Did he give him a weird tattoo or something? No, that would be ridiculous.  
“Dipper, are you even listening?” said Mabel, poking him in the chest.  
“Y-yeah, of course!”  
“Well, then let’s get going, silly! To the bunker!”

Ford had managed to scoot over to the wall and lean up against it. He perked up a bit as he heard voices nearby.  
“One minute, Dipper, I’m gonna go grab something,” said Mabel.  
Dipper grabbed her arm.  
“I, uh… I need to grab something too…” he said. “I was down there for a long time and I kind of wet my pants…”  
Ford heard the sound of Dipper and Mabel running up the stairs. After a few moments, they came back down, and Mabel ran into the kitchen.  
“Here’s a blanket for you, Grunkle Ford!” she said. “We’ll be back soon, I promise!”  
Ford looked down at the blanket being draped over him. It looked like Mabel had knitted it herself. It was covered in sparkling unicorns. Ford’s vision was going blurry, and he allowed himself to relax against the wall. He could hear Dipper saying something to Mabel in the other room. Somehting about hoping Ford hadn’t heard the thing about the pants. Ford drifted off to sleep as the twins left the shack. Oddly enough, Bill wasn’t in his dreamscape. He was probably off somewhere sulking about his defeat.

Soos was in some kind of colorful, pixelated world. There were some cheerful chiptunes playing, and he felt at ease. This must be a dream. The last thing Soos could remember was stopping to sit down on a bench. It had taken until nearly closing time at the store until he had found all of the items on Mr. Pines’s list. That store was open late, too. It had to have been at least midnight when he left, and it had taken a few hours to haul everything to the bench. It would still be a ways to go to make it to the shack, too, so Soos was content to enjoy his dream for a while.  
“Hey, Question Mark!,” said a strange voice. “How’s it going?”  
Soos turned to look at the voice. It was a floating triangle with a top hat and a bow tie. He looked like a pretty cool dude.  
“Oh, hey dude!” said Soos. “What’s your name?”  
The triangle tipped its hat.  
“The name’s Bill Cipher.”  
Huh. Bill Cipher. That was a weird name. Soos wondered where his mind had pulled that name from.  
“So, I hear you have a slice of infinite pizza,” said Bill, floating closer to Soos.  
“Yeah, it’s pretty cool,” said Soos. “It kept me from getting hungry at the store earlier, that’s for sure.”  
Bill wrapped an arm around Soos’s shoulder. Soos wasn’t sure whether he should feel uncomfortable with this or not.  
“I bet you’d like an infinite soda to go with that, huh?” said Bill.  
Come to think of it, Soos had been getting pretty thirsty on the walk back to the shack.  
“Yeah, dude, that would be great!”  
Bill looked pleased with his answer.  
“Well, just between you and me,” he whispered, “I’m not really a part of your dreamscape. I’m ah…”  
Bill paused for a moment and looked around the dreamscape.  
“Well, I suppose you could say I’m a fairy. I help people and stuff.”  
Soos gasped. This was just like something from a video game! Wow, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed the fairy wings until now!  
“All you have to do,” Bill continued, “Is shake my hand.”  
Soos stared skeptically at the blue flames emanating from the triangle’s outstretched hand. There had to be some catch, right? Nah, this Bill guy seemed trustworthy enough. Soos grabbed Bill’s hand and shook. Bill was laughing for some reason. Soos was sure he hadn’t done anything funny. Suddenly, the dream was gone. Soos was back in the waking world. Wow, he had been sleeping for a while. The sun was already rising. Wait… Why wasn’t he on the bench? Soos turned to look at the bench. Sitting there was… Soos. Soos looked down at his hands. They were see-through.  
“What the heck, dude!?” he said, staring in horror at his body on the bench.  
The Soos on the bench took a sip of the soda in his hand.  
“You know, this is some pretty good stuff,” he said. “Too bad you can’t have any in that form.”  
The bench Soos stared up at Soos with yellow eyes.  
“The triangle guy!?” said Soos.  
Bench Soos rolled his eyes.  
“For a guy that managed to find everything on that fake list you’re surprisingly dense.”  
Soos gasped in horror as Bill left all the items behind on the bench, headed towards the shack.


	9. Journal 0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper and Mabel being their search for Ford's healing serum, but become distracted by something else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a long hiatus, I'm finally back with more content! Now with the added bonus of knowledge from Journal 3!

“So, you ready to head in, bro-bro?” asked Mabel.  
Dipper gave Mabel a thumbs up and a “yup” of agreement. The twins headed down the stairs and into the bunker. Mabel hopped down the last few steps and dove under the bed.  
“Uh, Mabel?” asked Dipper, “What are you doing under there? The healing substance is probably stored in a shelf further in.”  
A muffled scoff came from under the bed. A box was shoved out into the room, with Mabel following close behind it. Mabel grabbed the box and hopped up on the bed, a prideful smile on her face.  
“Dipper, Dipper, Dipper,” she said, sighing. “People always hide the important stuff under the bed. Where do you think I keep my secret smile dip stash?”  
Dipper didn’t dignify that with a response, instead electing to begin opening the mysterious box. While he doubted the healing substance was in the box, he was far too curious about its contents to leave it unopened.  
Dipper let out a wail of excitement at the contents of the box. While his suspicions about the substance had been correct, there was something potentially just as helpful inside. There was only one thing in the box. It was a book, decorated with the familiar six-fingered hand of the author. A zero adorned the palm. While the book was much smaller than the others, there was no mistaking what it was.  
“Holy shit,” said Dipper, “Its… Its… Oh, God, I think I’m gonna pass out.”  
Mabel grabbed Dipper and placed him firmly on the bed before sitting next to him, journal in hand.  
“You ready to open this bad boy?” she said.  
“You bet I am!” said Dipper, with the enthusiasm of a 50s sitcom character.  
Mabel opened the journal to the first page, revealing Ford’s familiar handwriting.  
-

Vol. 0

Carpe Diem!

-  
I have come to the conclusion that a hidden journal, volume 0, is for the best. There are things that I don’t want F to know, and even the toughest enciphering does little to wipe the fear from my mind that he will find me out. In addition, there are some… rather unscientific practices I have been engaging in that I would rather my peers didn’t find out about.  
-

Dipper flipped through the pages. While he knew he would definitely be scouring the entirety of this new find later, he figured that for now he could settle for a quick flip through the more interesting sections. Dipper noted the headers as he flipped through. Orgonite Recipes, Snake People Conspiracy, Demonic Reproductive Hypotheses, Trouble In The Bunker… That one sounded interesting. Wasn’t there a page with that title in volume 3? Dipper smoothed the page open and dove in.  
-  
Trouble In The Bunker

While I have detailed the most important events of the incident in vol. 3, I have excluded certain… things that F must never know about. It is true that the shapeshifter appeared as F in an attempt to get his hands on my journal, but I did exclude the events that happened in between “F’s” appearance and his claims of a sore throat. While I am rather embarrassed to be writing about these events, I feel that I should document them for the sake of scientific observation of the shapeshifter’s behavior.

F came up to me, sweaty and blushing. I asked him if he needed some water, or perhaps a rest. F shook his head and gave me an odd look. “You must be auxin, because your causing me to have rapid stem elongation,” he said. I was confused at the meaning of his strange joke, so I asked him for clarification. Rather than answer me, he used his mouth for a different purpose; to kiss me. I was perplexed. F was a married man, and he had never shown any romantic or sexual interest in me until now. I should have protested, but I let my own wants get the better of me and let him continue. F abruptly stopped kissing me, moving down lower. “If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes,” He began to unzip my pants. I really should have protested at this point, but I was too far gone. It had been too long, and my erection was having none of my rational thoughts. To summarize what happened next, F gave me the most awe inspiring oral stimulation I had ever had (although that’s not saying much, since I’ve never had oral sex until now.) He managed to shove my penis so far down his throat that it seemed almost inhuman. In retrospect, of course, it was. He swallowed down my semen, and while at the time it was quite nice, I’m now concerned about what “F” might be able to use my DNA for. F looked up at me and spoke. “I think I found the site of the big bang theory… in your pants,” he said, snapping both fingers at that last part. After I recovered, F began asking about a remedy for his sore throat. From there, the events are covered as normal in vol. 3. F did talk about hearing some strange noises, like “a nest of raccoons during matin’ season, but with some foxes joinin’ in or something,” as he described it. I brushed off his concerns, and he seems to be none the wiser about “our” little rendezvous.  
-

Dipper and Mabel stared at the page for a few long seconds before looking at each other, mouths agape in absolute horror. The lovingly drawn sketch of a young, disheveled looking Fiddleford McGucket at the bottom of the page really didn’t help things. Did Grunkle Ford really have to illustrate everything? Dipper spoke first.  
“Let’s, uh… Let’s flip to a different page to get that image out of our minds, ok?”  
Mabel nodded. Dipper flipped through a few pages before coming to rest on a new page. It was titled “Strange Dreams.” Maybe it would give them some new insight on how to defeat Bill.  
-  
Strange Dreams  
I’ve been having odd dreams lately. Ones that I wouldn’t dare tell anyone about. They all involve my muse. Well, my muse isn’t really there. He only appears in the dreamscape. At least, I hope it isn’t really my muse. In the dreams, my muse says the most wonderful things to me. He talks about how handsome and smart I am. How different I am from the other humans he has met. How special I am to him. The odd part is what happens after the praise. A human penis grows out of him. At this point I usually realize that I’m naked. My muse begins to touch his penis against my own, as if fencing with me. I believe this must be how sex between two men works.  
-

Yet again, there is a sketch at the bottom of the page. This time it is of Ford and Bill Cipher “fencing.” Dipper slammed the journal shut, and Mabel quickly picked it up, slammed it on the box, and threw the box back to the dark under-bed hell from which it came.  
“L-let’s go find that vial,” said Mabel.  
“Y-yeah,” said Dipper.  
The twins pushed further into the bunker, continuing their search for the mysterious healing substance.


	10. Time for Boos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mabel and Dipper continue their search for the vial, but and unexpected visitor shows up.

“So, uh, I’m gonna get my body back at some point, right, dude?”  
Bill sighed. This Soos human was really starting to get on his nerves.  
“Yes,” Bill muttered under his breath. “Once this squishy excuse for a body gives out on me, you can have it back.”  
Soos seemed appeased by Bill’s words for a few short seconds before asking yet another question.  
“What do you want my body for, though?” asked Soos. “I know I’ve got some pretty sweet gaming reflexes, but I kind of doubt that’s what you’re after.”  
Bill turned to face Soos’s ghostly form, pointing a finger at his face.  
“If you don’t shut up, you won’t exactly be getting this body back in mint condition, question mark.”  
Soos grimaced a bit and continued floating along after Bill. After some time, they came to a familiar place in the woods. It was that old bunker that Soos had explored with Wendy and the twins earlier that summer! Bill was mumbling something to himself.  
“If it wasn’t in the shack, it must be here. IQ sure did seem attached to his little burrow.”  
Bill threw a rock at the secret lever and bounced impatiently on his heels as the entrance to the stairway opened up. When it was fully opened, he threw himself unceremoniously down the stairs, Soos’s body rolling and bouncing down them with lovely little bursts of pain. When he got the bottom, he paused, eyes narrowed.  
“Someone’s been down here,” he said. “Recently.”

Mabel and Dipper were still dead-eyed from their earlier find. Both twins were clumsily searching the security room for the vial. Mabel slapped a handful of vials onto a table and began shifting through them.  
“Plaidypus extract, banjo polish, unicorn pheromones, patchouli… Oh! Rapid healing substance! Dippin’ Dots, I found it!”  
Dipper’s distant expression barely changed.  
“Well, let’s get out of here, then,” he said. “To go help Grunkle Ford... Who I probably can’t look in the eyes right now…”  
Mabel initiated a wordless awkward sibling hug, which seemed to make Dipper feel a bit better. As Mabel headed towards the bunker’s entrance, Dipper grabbed her arm to stop her.  
“Did you just hear that?” he asked. “It sounded like a sack of potatoes falling down the stairs.”  
“I’m pretty sure potatoes would sound more… bouncy,” said Mabel. “That sounded more like-“  
Dipper cut her off with his hand and dragged her back into the storage area. The two of them were silent, waiting for more noise. They heard footsteps moving closer.  
“Now, if I were a rift, where would I be?” said a familiar voice. “Oh, wait. I would be up in the sky, helping the great Bill Cipher get his party started! The real question here is ‘Where would a glue-sniffing squish head of a scientist put the rift?’”  
Mabel and Dipper glanced at each other in solemn understanding.  
“Boos,” whispered Mabel.  
“We’re not calling him that,” Dipper whispered back.  
The footsteps came closer, and Mabel and Dipper both stopped breathing.  
“This sad excuse for a living being may have abnormally small ears compared to the size of his head, but he can still hear you,” said Boos. “And what is it with you humans and giving possessed humans special names? It’s just me, you know. Bill Cipher? Everyone’s favorite triangular demon?”  
Bill kept moving forward as he talked, soon making it to Mabel and Dipper’s hiding place. The twins stood up and stared Bill down. Bill’s face scrunched up in confusion at the siblings’ distant expressions.  
“Look, man,” said Dipper, sounding exasperated, “We’re not really up to dealing with this stuff right now. There wouldn’t happen to be some super-secret way of getting you out of a body, would there?”  
Bill smirked a bit, and Mabel felt very uncomfortable at seeing that expression on Soos’s face.  
“Well, this flesh sack is getting pretty boring,” said Bill. “so I guess I can let you in on a little secret.”  
Bill leaned in close.  
“If you sing a song about your buddy here, like really belt it out, it just might be enough to boot me out of this body.”  
Dipper was too tired to try and be rational about this. He thought for a few moments, and began to sing.  
“Heeey Soos, don’t make it bad! Take a saaad song, and make it bett-er-er-eeer! Remember to let her into your heart! Then you can sta-art to make it betteeer!”  
Bill burst out laughing.  
“Oh my nonexistent divine being, Pine Tree,” he said. “What happened to you kids? I never thought you would fall for something that ridiculous.”  
Bill lowered his voice.  
“And it’s not like I valued your intelligence that much in the first place!”  
Dipper blushed a little and stammered a bit. Mabel stepped forward and poked a finger into Bill’s chest.  
“Come on, Bill!” she said, “It was a pun and everything! You know, cause his name is Jesus?”  
Bill didn’t seem any more impressed. Mabel jumped back and pulled out her grappling hook, shooting it at Bill. It hit him right in the solar plexus. An extremely undignified squeal came screeching out of his mouth.  
“What the heck, Mabel!?” said Dipper. “Haven’t you broken enough ribs for today?”  
Mabel started to say something in her defense, but was distracted when Soos’s body collapsed to the floor.  
“Oh no…” she said, “Is he… dead? He’s not dead, is he?”  
The body shifted.  
“I’m OK, dudes… I think my extra chub protected me,” said the distinctly un-Bill-like voice of Soos. “Oh, and I think I passed out and got rid of Bill. My body has a low pain tolerance.”  
Dipper wanted to say something about how he was pretty sure that’s not how pain works, but he was too tired to deal with it.  
“So, uh, what’s wrong with you dudes, anyway?” asked Soos.  
Dipper and Mabel looked at each other before both speaking at once.  
“Journal.” “Nope.” “Grunkle Ford.” “He… did the do.” “Not OK.”  
Soos gave the floor an uncomfortable look.  
“Uh, I don’t think I really want to know,” he said.

Soos, Dipper, and Mable headed out of the bunker. On the way out, Mabel seemed to be lagging. When Dipper turned to see what she was doing, he gasped in horror.  
“You’re bringing that thing with us!?” he said.  
“We might need it, Dipper,” said Mabel. “I don’t like it any more than you do, though.”  
Mabel slipped the accursed journal into her sweater, shivering at the thought of such an awful thing touching her. The twins and Soos headed up the stairs and onwards toward their mission of healing Ford. Mable thought she saw a glimmer of yellow in Soos’s eye, just for a moment, but she was sure it was just because she was tired.


	11. Side Effects

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mabel, Dipper and Soos return with the vial from the bunker. Unfortunately, its contents have some unforeseen side effects

As soon as the group stepped through the shack’s doorway, Mabel’s finger was flying toward her face at speeds only acquirable to traumatized children. She jabbed Dipper in the neck with her other hand, and he grimaced in response.  
“I’m guessing this means I have to give the vial to Ford, huh?”  
Mabel nodded sternly, and Dipper headed off towards the kitchen.  
“I’ll go check on Grunkle Stan,” Mabel called as Dipper disappeared into the kitchen.  
Dipper attempted to flip Mabel off, but forgot which finger to hold up and help up his pinky instead. He didn’t notice his mistake, and was proud of how cool he looked. His pride quickly faded as Grunkle Ford came into view. He was sleeping soundly, covered with his sparkly unicorn blanket. He was mumbling something. Dipper could only make out the words “fleshy” and “carrot” among the garbled speech. Dipper rustled his great uncle awake, probably a bit too roughly for someone in his condition. It was worth it, though. He didn’t like where that mumbling was going. Ford’s eyes shot open, and he hacked up a bit of blood. His eyes were wide with shock, but he quickly calmed himself when he saw Dipper in front of him.  
“Dip-Dipper!” he said, choking a bit on the blood as he spoke. “I was just having the most fascinating dream about that shapeshifter in the bunker.”  
Dipper threw up a bit in his mouth. It tasted like parmesan and regret. Luckily, Ford didn’t seem to notice.  
“Speaking of the bunker… did you get the vial?”  
Dipper fished the vial out of his pocket and handed it to Ford, who quickly gulped it down. The sound of overcooked macaroni being stirred began to emanate from Ford’s body. A viscous green fluid began to ooze from all of Ford’s facial orifices. A horrific gurgling noise emerged from Ford’s throat. He raised his arm, grimacing in pain, and gave Dipper a thumbs up. He had forgotten to warn Dipper of the side effects of the substance, and was in no shape to talk at the moment.  
“G-grunkle Ford? You are trying to tell me you’re ok, right?”  
Ford nodded, and Dipper’s tense muscles, what little he had, relaxed. Suddenly, Ford let out a choked scream and clutched at his stomach. Fuck. He hadn’t considered the effects the substance might have on a developing demon fetus.

Mabel knocked on Stan’s door, entering when she heard no response. Stan had managed to make his way onto the bed, as well as change his clothes, apparently. He was wearing nothing but his boxers and a bright pink feather boa. He jerked awake at the sound of Mabel’s approaching footsteps.  
“Mabel? Why do I feel like I’ve been dehydrated by some kind of giant mosquito man?”  
“Oh, that happens sometimes when you eat smile dip,” said Mabel, her voice devoid of emotion. Sensing something was wrong, Stan shot up into a sitting position.  
“What’s wrong? Oh God… Did I say something we’re all going to regret after I ate that stuff?”  
Mabel shook her head.  
“You’re fine, Grunkle Stan.”  
“Thank God,” said Stan. “I was worried I might have to give you… the talk.”  
Mabel shuddered. She remembered the talk Grunkle Stan had given to her as Dipper.

 

“You know, kid, sometimes your penis just feels funny, and that’s ok. That’s just your little Dipper Jr. getting excited.”

“Bird’s aren’t even attracted to bees!”

“Yeah, uh… Sorry about that excessive back hair gene you’re probably going to inherit. But hey, some people are into that! Heck, when I was in Vegas-”

 

Mabel grimaced. She couldn’t even remember the whole talk, but there were certain phrases that would be burned into her mind forever. Just as Stan was about to ask Mabel what was wrong, a blood-curdling boy scream cut him off. The door slammed open, and Dipper ran inside.  
“F-Ford… he’s… he’s…”  
Dipper fainted, falling onto the bed. Mabel and Stan rushed to the kitchen, followed by Soos, who had heard the scream from the other side of the shack. Ford was surrounded by green slime, and a small amount still clung to his nose and lips. He was panting heavily, and the pungent smell of asparagus radiated from his body.  
“Ford…” Stan said, “I thought I told you to do your weird science fetish stuff in private. Look, you got that stuff all over Mabel’s blanket!”  
“It’s not… fetish stuff…” Ford said in between breaths. “It’s a… side effect of the potion… Look, I’m… I need Fiddleford… The… the baby’s coming… and all I have… for it to come… out of… is an anus… or worse…”  
Stan’s jaw dropped. All he could do was point a finger at his brother in disbelief. Mabel’s face lit up, and she grabbed Ford’s hand.  
“I’m going to have a new cousin,” she said, seemingly back to her old self. “Don’t worry, Grunkle Ford! Grunkle Stan and I’ll go get Old Man McGucket for you! …Wait, is he the father?”  
“No… I just need him…”  
Ford seemed too tired to continue talking. Mabel gave his hand a squeeze before grabbing Stan’s hand and rushing towards the front door.  
“Watch Grunkle Ford, okay Soos?” she yelled as she ran.  
Back in the kitchen, Soos smiled. “Oh, I’ll do that, shooting star. I’ll do that.”


	12. Birth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for the demon spawn to emerge.

“What… was that, Soos?” Ford mumbled. “I didn’t… quite catch that.” Ford’s eyes were clenched shut with pain. The pain of his broken ribs had completely subsided, only to be replaced with the intense pain of what could only be the demon inside him getting ready to be birthed. “Ugh… Soos? You still there?” There was no response. Ford opened one eye, jerking back at the yellow eye mere inches in front of him.  
“I said,” Bill began, no longer bothering to imitate Soos’s voice, “That I’ll be taking good care of you while shooting star and fez are gone.” All Ford could manage in return was a strangled “fuck.” “Soos” licked his lips, making a disgusting slurping sound. “I do intend to keep that promise, Fordsey.”

“Come on, Grunkle Stan!” cried Mabel, hopping into the passenger seat of the car. “Floor it!” Stan plopped down in the driver’s seat and started the ignition.  
“Uh, Mabel?” he said, staring blankly at the steering wheel, “Where does Old Man McBucket live, again?”  
“Old Man McGucket! And he’s usually out by the junkyard! You know that!”  
“Oh, right…” Stan absentmindedly began to drive the car away from the shack. There was no conversation during the journey except for Mabel’s occasional excited chatter. Stan still couldn’t wrap his mind around his brother being pregnant. First, he hadn’t been home for nine months, so the baby was probably from some extradimensional weirdo. Hell, why was he even thinking about that? It should be impossible for Ford to get pregnant. Stan had seen his dick before. Ford definitely has a dick. Hell, they’d had a literal dick-measuring contest before.  
“Grunkle Stan!”  
Stan slammed his foot on the break, startled out of his thoughts by Mabel’s shouti ng.  
“Grunkle Stan, we’re here,” Mabel said as she hopped out of the car. Stan followed close behind her, mind still preoccupied with familial phallus.

As the pair approached the junkyard, they could hear the sounds of clanking metal and mournful yodeling. Mabel rushed forward, dragging Stan along with her. As expected, the source of the noises was Fiddleford, who looked significantly more ragged than usual. He noticed the approaching footsteps and turned his head to face them.  
“Well thank the great shiny sky orb! Look’s like its rescue time!”  
Mabel rushed to Fiddleford’s side.  
“Mr. McGucket?” she said, “Why are you handcuffed to a pole?”  
Fiddleford shuddered and mumbled something about “the beast with just one eye.” Stan seemed to have noticed the handcuffs now, as he quickly snapped back to reality.  
“How the hell did those get here!? I haven’t seen those since Vegas! Wait… no, I think they were in the glove compartment. But who could have…” Stan shook his head. He had no idea what was going on today, and was honestly hoping that he was still on a trip from those mabelcakes. Well, whatever was going on, the keys to the handcuffs were probably in the glove compartment as well. Stan headed back to the car, leaving Mabel to keep Fiddleford company.”  
“How long have you been here?” Mabel asked.  
“A few days, I reckon. My raccoon wife kept me hydrated by spittin’ water into my mouth hole!”  
Mabel eyed the nearby raccoon with a mixture of disgust and respect. 

Stan soon returned from the car and unlocked the handcuffs. Fiddleford barely had time for a jig of gratitude before Mabel was dragging him off to the car.  
“Come on,” she said. “Grunkle Ford’s having a baby and he wants you to be there!”  
Before Fiddleford could even respond, Stan put an arm on his shoulder.  
“Just don’t think about it. We’ll probably all wake up soon, anyway.”  
“Is that why you’re wearin’ nothin’ but boxers and a boa?”  
Stan looked down.  
“Yeah, let’s go with that.”

An undignified noise of discomfort came from Ford’s throat as Bill inched closer to his face. Without warning, he lapped at Ford’s lips. His breath smelled like stale doritos, probably Soos’s permanent state. The new scent mingled with the lingering scent of asparagus in the room. It was nauseating. The offending tongue retreated back into its home for a moment.  
“Mmmm, Fordsey. You certainly do taste like your human consumables, don’t you?”  
“What?”  
“Oh, sorry. I meant to use question mark’s voice for that. That sounded like something he would say, right? Should I have added a ‘dude’ in there?”  
Oh, God. Now Bill was trying to flirt with him in Soos’s body. Didn’t he understand human age gaps? Or maybe he did and was trying to use that to make him even more uncomfortable.  
Bill tossed Ford’s slime-covered blanket aside and tore his coat off of him, followed by his sweater and pants.  
“Wow, Sixer. Have you looked at your abdominal region lately, because it looks like there’s a real party going on in there!”  
Hesitantly, Ford looked down. His stomach was horrifically distended, and a squirming, writhing mass could be seen just below the surface. Suddenly, his view was obscured by Bill, who was leaning towards his face again. Ford was too overtaken with pain and shock to stop the demon from pushing him hard up against the wall. Bill hungrily pushed his lips against his, exploring Ford’s mouth with his tongue. Ford could only gurgle angrily in response. After an uncomfortably long time, Bill pulled away.  
“Man, your mouth hole sure is frothy,” he said, licking his lips once again. Repressing the urge to throw up, Ford jabbed a finger into Soos’s squishy body.  
“Why are you doing this, Cipher?”  
“Oh, I think you know why,” said Bill, awkwardly attempting to wink. His hand began to snake towards the growing boner of discomfort in Ford’s boxers. “This is to remind you that I own you, of course. You will be taking care of my offspring even once it’s outside of you, after all.”

The door to the shack slammed open, and Stan, Fiddleford, and Mabel quickly filed inside. By the time they made it to the kitchen, “Soos” had assumed the position of an acquaintance checking on the health of a friend.  
“He, uh, he really looks like he’s gonna pop soon, dudes,” he said.  
The writhing in Ford’s stomach had sped up considerably at this point. Everyone kneeled around Ford, and Fiddleford began to examine his stomach quizzically.  
“Look,” Ford began, “Don’t ask how this happened. Just please help me. I don’t know how this thing is going to exit my- AAAAAUUUUGGGHHH!” Ford screamed, but was quickly cut off as the writhing mass began to travel upwards, into Ford’s throat. His neck looked like snake swallowing its prey in reverse. Fiddleford frantically searched the kitchen drawers for anything that might be of use in case this birth went south. Soon, what appeared to be the top of a head began to emerge from Ford’s mouth. A few scraggly strands of hair protruded from the baby’s sickly skin. As the head continued to push its way out of Ford’s mouth, his jaw began to distend, eventually dislocating. The baby’s cone-like head was fully out now, and it’s tiny, vestigial arms appeared. The arms pushed at their father’s cheeks, and the creature plopped down into Fiddleford’s waiting towel. Fiddleford handed the baby to Ford, who rose it up to look at it. It had a smushed in nose, huge, flabby cheeks, and long pointed teeth. It had one eye squeezed shut, but the open eye was unmistakably yellow and snake-like. The creature was roughly triangular in shape, and was covered in the now familiar green slime. Everyone stared in silence at the strange infant. After a few minutes, Mabel broke the silence.  
“Well, at least you can see the family resemblance,” she said, pointing back and forth between the baby’s unhinged jaw and Ford’s dislocated one. Ford forced a laugh, but was cut off when the baby slapped one of its tiny arms into his face. The slap hit with the impact of a truck, forcing Ford’s jaw back into place. Ford looked up to see if Fiddleford had seen the incredible feat of strength, but he was already gone. He had noticed the yellow eyes, no doubt. “Soos” had moved into the empty spot. He looked at the baby, and a slow smile stretched across his face. Soos fell back into Stan’s lap. Bill was done with possession for the time being. After all, his next vessel had just been birthed.


End file.
